AnnieMac's Blog

I’ve been back from Burning Man for two days, well to be accurate, a day and a half. The Playa has once again left it’s indelible mark on me. I am changed again by the chaos, noise, beauty, creativity, survival and the love of an amazing community.

I diligently did my homework. The star was painted on my belly Tuesday morning by Kia my wonderful camp mate. I listened for the yes that came from there, and found a certain peace in the exercise. Whenever I became conflicted or confused, I dropped down and in, and listened for the yes that would resonate from there. It was an amazing practice, that takes practice.

Hanging out in Pinkalicious

This year for me was all about release (go figure). I planted my flag of surrender on the alkali flats and laid down my story and burden of the last year and a half and started again renewed, refreshed and revitalized. I dreamt amazing dreams in my flapping dusty tent that changed my outlook on life. I met people and saw things that swept me clean. I cycled deliberately through thick veils of white dust that played hide and seek with my sense of direction and vision and came out the other side just where I needed to be.

The Playa is one of those places where manifestation seems to come easy. You think of something you need and it appears. Hot? Someone hands you a shaved ice or a cool wet cloth to wipe your brow. Cold? You get offered furry pants or a funny warm hat. Words of wisdom? There they are, right at your sight line written on a wall of a temple. There are smiles of glorious proportions, tears of great loss and people pogo-ing up and down in sheer joy and happiness. You’re exhausted and run into your friends in the middle of the night and get to camp with them. You also get to ride on their amazing art car! There is art that isn’t lost in the grand landscape, there is music both fine, and horrible. And yes, there are also the assholes camped out next door to remind you that there is always something more to learn, and more to tolerate.

Playa FLowers

I decided that I would gift copies of my CD Ignition this year. It was fun to respond from my gut and give it away to strangers that I met in moments, most likely never to be seen again. I loved seeing their reactions. And I hope that they enjoyed listening to it.

Water is for Pussies

I am so glad I went, and so happy that I removed the great weight from my shoulders. I still have no idea where I am headed, but I know that I am loved and cared for, that everything will work it’s self out, and that deep down I am a happy woman. I also know that when the time is right, I will meet an amazing man and have a blast exploring both the inner and outer worlds together.

The last thing I wrote on the temple before it burned was: And the wind will caress me. And the earth will hold me up. And the stars will shine upon me. And I will be filled with love.

Stop and be Thankful

And it’s true. The night of both burns were magical. But the burning of the Temple was both poignant and powerful. Towards the end I stood next to the hot glowing embers surrounded by those I love and it was beautiful. Lucky me. I look forward to next year. Wow, I just typed that, right?

Thanks for listening,

Annie xox

So, after days of digging through the chaos of storage, frequenting thrift stores in three states, and crossing things off my detailed check list, I am  ready for a week of self-reliance in the the Black Rock Desert… I am sure there is something that I’m forgetting… Just can’t think of what it is.

Camp Pinkalicious

Annie @ Bohemia Gig

My friend Kia, who was on my spring road trip, will be my camp mate. We are going as simply as possible (lol).

Our camp name is “Pinkalicious” I was inspired by Kia’s 1960′s era surplus parachute that has faded from it’s original red to a pink color. Which we are going to incorporate into our shade structure. She saw an outfit I wore to a burlesque gig and coined the word. I thought why not run with it. Pink is not a favorite color of either of ours, but what the hell, Pinkalicious it is!

So, with a borrowed pink and black leopard furred bike “Purrr Cilla” and the home work of “Paint a star on my belly button and live from there for the week.” It should be an amazing adventure. Black Rock City and Burning Man here we come ready or not!

This will be my fourth time on the playa. It’s been three years since my last visit, and my first time ever going single. Boy, this is suddenly sounding like some sort of confession… A friend asked “I am so interested to hear about your burning man experience. What are you seeking to get out of it?” and I answered “I am interested in inhabiting my entire self – all my aspects – as a integrated, creative, powerful woman. To move and make decisions from my center the entire week. And to seek and find a reconnection to myself through my participation in a epic event. I would love to find kindred souls to have fun with. To be open to extraordinary experiences, and be in bliss!” So that’s it…

I will take pictures, and if appropriate, I’ll tell a tale or two. But, don’t hold your breath! See ya back in this reality after September 7th.

All the best, and thanks for listening,

Annie xox

From Wikipedia, Wanderlust:

In German the term has become somewhat obsolete. A more contemporary equivalent for the English wanderlust in the sense of “love of travel” would be Fernweh (literally “an ache for the distance”).

I have been wandering around and over the hills of home, traipsing through the burnished bronze and blond grasses of summer. As well as through the tree lined valleys where my foot steps crush bay, eucalyptus, redwood, madrone, manzanita and sticky monkey flower under foot, releasing childhood memories of Mrs Terwilliger and her wonderful nature walks. She said “This is my country. Wherever I go, I will leave it more beautiful than I found it.” I studied at her knee when I was no more then knee high myself. She totally changed my world and the way I saw it. I became much more aware of my surroundings and developed a deep respect and appreciation for nature. It’s my church… other then music.

I’ve hiked every day but one in the last ten days. Two days, I’ve hiked twice! I’ve gotten insights into my own heart and into habits and pattens that needed unearthing. This wanderlust continues on with more travel to come.

Tomorrow I head back up to Ashland before my trip to Burning Man this year. Then I have no clue where I will go next. Kinda fun, kinda scary…

Last night I sat in with my friends  (W+T)J² at The Two Bird Cafe out in San Geronimo, CA . That’s Wendy Fitz, Tim Bush and friends. It was good to cut loose and sing!

More to come. Thanks for listening

Annie xox

It happened today
It just seeped back in
Slyly, shyly
Undercover like a spy

It crept in almost without my
Awareness, and breathless
It bubbled up through cracks
And crevasses
So deep and dark
As to seem almost bottomless

Effervescent and sparkling
Dancing from the shadows
And out into the bright light
Happiness came back to me
A rebirth of delight

And what’s best of all
About the whole damn thing
This isn’t about anybody else
But me

Me Myself & I, Limantour Beach, Point Reyes, CA 8/16/10

An undercurrent of gray, wet with the sea, and dragged through these coastal canyons transforms scenery here today, from the robust August sunlight, to the first faint hits of fall. I’m not ready for summer to shimmy off to Southern climes, I may just have to follow her, begging at her heels for more.

Trees hang papered and peppered with moss and lichen. Tan oaks, rhododendrons and huckleberry shelter under the tallest redwoods. Gray rock, and green in every variation fan out below me. The female forms of California coastal hills spread their undulating selves in every direction.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers seep under and through the barn wall, between where I sit with my internet connection and my father’s tenant’s place. It’s a strange and perfect sound track to this evening’s musings.

Tomorrow I’ll head to Marin, and then into the city to see Johnny Nitro at The Saloon and a possible stop in at Biscuits and Blues. I want to dance with abandon, feel the music and see my old home turf.

I keep waiting for a sign, a deep pull and pulse that says yes, that’s it, that’s the place, or face, or sound, or smell that turns me in my tracks and sets a new course to follow. Until that fated day I will keep wandering with an open mind and heart, feeling into my future by slowly wadding into what’s receptive and compelling. I will continue to write and sing and design and notice the beauty in the world.

Thanks for listening,

Annie xox

I got in to Ashland, Oregon at 6pm yesterday evening from my trip to BC. It was a wonderful journey in so many ways, about 1,400 mile total. About a mile after the road turned from asphalt to gravel on my way out of North Bend, BC, a young brown bear crossed the road in front of me. I stopped the car and looked back, it was on its hind legs peering at me over the bushes on the side of the road. It looked as curious about me as I was about it. after a bit of staring, I put the car in reverse to see if I could get closer, and it bolted in to the brush. It was beautiful thing to see. I’ve always identified with bear medicine, in the native tradition, so it felt like it was a good omen to me.

I learned a lot from our teacher Tom Kimmel, and from the other participants in the seminar. Although songwriting is an art form, it has some rules that were good to get clearer about. I would highly recommend both Tom as a teacher, and REO as a place to go to reconnect with nature, river rafting, and to learn more about music and writing. They have some great retreats there every summer.

The Nahatlatch River was a constant roar in the background. It flowed a powerful jade and tourmaline green and provided a white noise factor that took some getting used to! The tent cabin I shared was at the edge of the beautiful river, the food at REO was creative, plentiful and wonderful. The other participants were a selection of wonderful people from all over Canada and parts of the US.

Other then what I learned from Tom, and listening to everyone’s great music, my favorite part of the seminar was co-writing with Lowry Olafson. We were all given a title “There And Back Again,”to work into a song one way or another.  I love collaboration, and it was a great to to work with Lowry. It was also interesting to hear what everybody else came up with for the same title.  I think Lowry and I wrote a pretty good song start all and all,  and I look forward to finishing it up with him! Because it was cold that day, we ended up in one of the washrooms to write. This bathroom was pretty lux, it had power, WiFi and was quieter and much warmer then on the deck.

I came away from the song camp wanting more. More instruction, more tools, more creativity, more collaboration, and more musical knowledge. I want to up my personal game and become a better writer and musician over all. It was good to be challenged and stimulated, just what I needed!

The drive home was harder. It felt longer then the drive up, and a bit of residual grief resurfaced. I have a medical test tomorrow that I am looking forward to having behind me, with good results. I also look forward to a trip down to the Bay Area either tomorrow or Saturday,  and then going to Burning Man the last week of this month with my friend Kia.

I am researching other songwriting classes both here and abroad. The world seems to opening herself to me. And honestly, I am a traveler and explorer at heart. How can I resist what’s around the next bend, and corner, and who I might meet along the way, after all it could be you!

Thanks for listening,

Annie xox

It’s always a quandary how much to reveal, and how much to hide or obscure in a post. I always tend to lean towards reality and truth. I hope to never offend. I’m not writing to elicit a response, but to clarify myself to myself and perhaps be an example of an artist finding her way through her life.

So, here I am again, after so much water has slipped and slid under the proverbial bridge. It feels like a lifetime ago that I last wrote here on this digital page. I was high and happy, had new found love, and possibilities seemed to be exploding into stars -  I was hanging on everyone of them, swinging through them like I was on some kind of cosmic money bar.

It’s truly amazing the passage I’ve traveled. From newly alone after a marriage to newly coupled, then uncoupled and now totally unfettered. I thought there was not too much more to sacrifice, or surrender and yet there was…

This giant clearing has happened, and although it was traumatic and difficult, heart wrenching and grief laden, I am passing through the storm and gaining traction on the other side.  I’ve learned so much about the taste of love and companionship, the scent of home and the deep feeling of tidal grief. There has been healing of the monumental kind, as well as the uncovering of old patterns worn deep, and then new pathways chosen.  I feel honored to have participated in it all. In time-line order -  my band, marriage, house, boyfriend, and car are all behind me now. All part of what was, and what has helped to shape and define me, and I am grateful for the learning and all the participants involved.

Just to be clear, if I have to lay it down and surrender still further, know that I am willing. Whatever it takes to renew, regather and move on from this place to the next phase. I have real hope that the internal resurrection has begun, and that I will relearn to stand solidly in my own corner, having my own back, very soon.

This weekend I am taking the first stand in my future, I’m driving to BC in my bright new car, headed to a song camp with Tom Kimmel in Boston Bar, British Columbia at the REO Rafting Resort. I hope to learn a lot more about becoming the best songwriter that I can be.

My muse has been a busy girl! Songs and poetry have been pouring forth. I’ve written 40 songs and 41 poems since the beginning of the year. More arrive every day.

As to what is next, I am waiting for that internal signal to point the direction to where I need to be next in this wide world. I’ve day dreamed about a trip through Thailand, Bali and Australia. I’ve imagined being back on the Charles Bridge in Prague singing along with the buskers.  I’ve thought about swimming in the deep azure waters of the Aegean and losing myself in the sun and slow warmth. New York and all it’s amazing layers, call out to my creativity. The hills of Marin and my many friends down there hold an allure that’s hard to deny…

In the meantime I am hiking daily all over southern Oregon and California with my girl Bella.

I am enjoying beautiful meals and time with my best girlfriends, and I am reengaging with my creative self. Who knows what’s next – time will tell.

I am looking forward to meeting a musical partner to write and play with. To finding “Home” where ever that is, (god knows it could be right around the corner.) And finding myself in the next phase of my life.

Thanks for listening,

Annie xox

So about proclamations and declarations…

Proclamations: the formal act of proclaiming; giving public notice
Declarations: an explicit or emphatic statement

Sometimes one has to backtrack…. Delicately reframing the original statement, making changes as one does when all has changed yet again.  Back in January I made a public statement on this blog that I was headed south. Back to the cradle of my childhood, back to Marin County and the bigger music scene, back to where the hills call my name….

And then some more change came my way. And some of you all who are kind enough to follow my blog and music life say, “Are you just back visiting, or have you moved yet?” and I say sheepishly, um… well you see, I haven’t left, I’m not sure I’m leaving after all, I met someone here, and so surprisingly enough, I am still here.” And things always change, so who knows, right? I could end up in Europe or Asia or somewhere much more mundane, but god I hope not!

So, here’s what’s true for now. I am writing with two guitarists in California, Steve Wolf, who I wrote “Forget About Love” with, and Byron Fry an amazing composer and musician in So Cal.  Songs are pouring out of me. I have written two more in the last day. I am happily accepting design and coaching clients.

I am also doing some new work with Rob Gunderson, a guitarist from Grants Pass, (thanks Mr. King for the reference.) I am getting more Design and Color clients every day and am so excited to be working – wahoo!!! The Mistress Mind book is nearing completion of its first major edit. My wonderful business partners and I will be giving our first three day seminar in late summer or early fall.

So yes, Marin still calls out to me, I love it there, and I am planning on lots of visits to my beautiful friends, and lots of music and design work down there this year. I am also going to put my beautiful Ashland house on the market that I gutted and redesigned a few years back, and downscale my life a bit on the financial front. Here’s a link to an article about it when it was first finished. If you have any interest, let me know! I am happily dating a great new guy and life is surprising, exciting, and full of possibility, which is just how I like it.

I hope this finds you all well and happy too. I am hoping to be doing some house concerts in the near future and get back out regularly on the music scene. The Rogue Suspects have been kind enough to include me in a live recording session and are generous enough to invite me to join them fairly regularly. I am a lucky, lucky woman indeed. I will try my best to be more prudent when making declarations and proclamations, and knowing me, I will most likely do it again. Thanks for your understanding, in advance!

All the best, and thank you for listening and all your support!

Annie xox

Travel always soothes my soul, brings me deeper into myself and expands my horizon lines. It also gives me the space to hear my muse. This February I traveled with my wonderful friend Christine to Mexico. Christine and I have been friends for over 20 years. She lives up in Montana and we were both craving some warmth and sun.

We flew into Puerto Vallarta, and stayed in a cool old hotel in the Zona Romantica, the old part of Vallarta, for the first night and then took the 45 minute water taxi south to Yalapa for 4 days. We then returned by water taxi and took a local bus up the coast 45 minutes to Sayulita, a surfing and fishing village. I have to say I loved Yalapa. It’s crescent shaped bay held all that I needed. Sleepy, quiet, sweet, great food and beach. We snorkled, swam, sunned and took a boat out to the islands. We saw humpback whales breaching and angelfish meeting the boat in swarms of yellow and blue. Sayulita was good, but not quite the feeling I was after, it felt busy and hectic after Yalapa. It’s beaches are made to surf from. The Pacific angles in just right to provide the swells and breaks needed for a surf school. There are a lot of cool rentals and a lot of North Americans. I liked the feeling of San Poncho, just to the North a bit better – more artsy and less busy.

Here’s some poetry from the trip:

Truth Came Knocking

Truth came knocking today
She asked some pertinent questions
How do I feel?
What do I want?
Where am I headed?
And where is my heart in all this?

I said I am riding your waves
Each one has a new face
Each one rolls out after the other
I feel into them poised to ride or fall
Your whim is my rudder
Your possibilities my wind

Truth asked, what direction will you head?
I answered, the one that’s new, the one that calls and beckons me on
The one that smells like love
The one that tastes like home

Truth raised her head and looked me in the eye
My child she said, how will you know?
I returned, I will follow my heart for it never leads me astray
It’s always right. I just have to listen deeply
It will reveal it’s self, just as you do

Truth nodded her shining head and replied
Hearts are maps to love
Truly knowing yours is the first step
I will whisper in your left ear and
Vulnerability will whisper in the right
Listen closely to our council and ride towards the sun

A. McIntyre – Feb 2010

Mexico

Jasmine and diesel
Gardenia and dust
Snoozing Mexican dogs
Sun baked on the verges of muddy roads

Low blue-bellied clouds slide slowly
Across the pale bleached sky
Where hilltops pierce through
Verdant green

Roosters do their best to out do each other morning noon and night
Doves soothe, and Minas talk trash

Tropical colors dance in the smoke
Of smoldering bonfires
Shy sweet signoras
Tow their children
Who wear smiles like flowers

And the sea, ever restless
Meets the edges of the world
Again and again and again

A. McIntyre – Feb 2010

Morning Slides Over Sayulita

Morning slides over Sayulita
Uncovering the soft subtle rustle
Of birds wings
The sound of brooms
Swinging in rhythm
Pushing dust like Sisyphus and his rock in an unending ritual

The tinny songs of the propane vendor and agua purveyors
The incessant cry of the cocks
Asserting the superiority of their
Backyard kingdoms

The rumble of dump trucks
Down cobbled streets
An engines loud cough
The whine of a two stroke and an occasional voice
Christine whistling softly
To an internal tune

A trumpet plays unsteadily
More passion then talent
The surf incessant in the far back
Reaches of the background

Another morning in Mexico
Feet cold on the tile squares
Coffee brewing
Two more days till home

A. McIntyre – Feb 2010

Cool Humidity

Cool humidity before the sun
Slams the streets

Colors transform in early light
Gliding from dark shadows
To pearlescent pink and terracotta

Grays become green in the
Gathering light Chameleon like

The tide reaches high up the shore
Surfers hang suspended
In the first rays of the sun

My heart lifts for home.
Butterflies flit about
My lower abdomen
Suddenly nervous
After all this time

A. McIntyre – Feb 14 2010

Hey Beautiful people,

It’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged. I had some technical issues that got in the way and then there was all the rest of the stuff…. My life is a adventure and full of change.

Here’s the latest news: Last Thursday I got on stage for the first time in a long long time. It felt like home. I love singing and performing with a big band and a big audience. Thank you to the Rogue Suspects for having me up. And thanks to all who helped with the benefit for Haiti. It was an amazing night. I have a writing session with Dean Angermeier, of the Rogue Suspects tomorrow. Bret Levick and I are going to finish Fillaree very soon. Jeff Pevar, and Inger Jorgensen and I have talked loosely about putting together a musical review with Cornflower and Jaese Lecuyer. I hope we can all find the way to make it happen this year! And last but not least, The Suspects have issued an open invitation to sit it with them. I think they will be learning some of me songs too! I love music, it’s my passion and I’m devoted to it.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a singer, a songwriter, a designer and color specialist with McIntyre Interiors, I am a co founder of the Mistress Mind and most of all I am a woman who loves transformation and seeks a greater understanding of herself in the world.

If you’ve been following along over the past year, you will know that my band AnnieMac dissolved last spring  after recording our last single, then the housing market changed the amount of design work I was receiving, and then the state of my  marriage changed as well. This is not a lament, it’s just the facts of my life. I know I am not alone in change. So many of us have been going through it.

As for my marriage changing, I am blessed with having an incredible friend whom I love so very much. After a lot of thought and deep work we both came to the difficult conclusion that we are not the right romantic partners for one another. He is amazing and brilliant and I have so much respect and love for him. And as we change what has been, I know that we will be part of each others lives forever.

Throughout the last year I have mostly stayed on top of the wave of change, riding it with my eye on the horizon, looking for deeper truth and understanding, and occasionally I’ve gone under, tumbling along the rough sea floor before surfacing again gasping for air.

For now it seems my seas have calmed, I feel as if the biggest part of the swirl is over and I have direction again. There may be some turbulence, that’s just a part of it all, but now I see a way to move and be moved, in both the literal and figurative definitions of the word. Motion and music beckons me and I am following.

As you may know I’ve been searching for a new location, I looked at Nashville, and Asheville, thought about Austin, New York, Portland, Seattle and Chicago. I was on the hunt for more music opportunities, as well as a way to make a living in the mean time.

About a week and a half ago I drove my mom down to the Bay Area. As I left Vallejo behind me and drove across the salt marsh on highway 37, my heart expanded. I breathed in the fresh  salty air, saw the sun reflecting off the vibrant green of newly sprouted grass and I knew I was home. Joy infused my heart. I had to move back to Marin.  The rest of the day I was filled with knowing. This knowing has stayed with me – it’s the right choice for now. I will miss Ashland and my incredible community. I will be back and forth a lot to visit and gig. There is sadness in leaving, and joy in moving. A complicated heart beat.

There were a few people I meant to see on my trip that I didn’t, and some that I saw that confirmed to me that my choice was a good one. I have a girl friend who is about 2 months ahead of me in the relationship change. She is already in Marin and will be my new room mate. I’ll be moving in April, and will be down in the meantime making music and design contacts. If you have ideas, send them my way!

My business partners in the Mistress Mind and I are in the midst of writing a book about our work. It’s an exciting process, and I love it. Once the book is finished we will be giving seminars and changing lives. I am so exited about what we have put together.

So, here’s what I need: A beautiful and affordable rental in Marin for Kia and I. Three bedrooms, so we each have one and also have a guest room for all our Ashland friends. Some fun design and color work to pay the bills, and a new musical project with players that are way better then me. Not too much to ask right?

Thanks for following along. I am sending love and gratitude. Thanks for listening,

Annie xox